I did not sleep well last night. Actually, I have not slept well for the last fifteen years of my life. It is always the same routine for me. I take Tylenol PM to help me fall asleep at night. In two hours I get sleepy and go lay down. I fall asleep for about an hour and then I’m awake. I toss and turn the rest of the night, struggling to find sleep once more, only to find disappointment and daylight.

Today was not any different from any other day, aside from the intense pain I was in all night long. Sleeping with my body pillow isn’t helping me anymore. It was helping to take the pain off my lower back and knees, but it’s not even doing that any longer. Every position I lay in feels like needles and pins (or more accurately like knives and forks). I can’t find a comfortable spot. It slightly frustrates me because this could have been prevented when I asked for a Tempurpedic bed eons ago. But, we went the cheap route because we had my father pushing to make the purchase. I love my father, but when I’m not there to make the decision for a purchase and it is just him and my husband, everything goes to pot. My needs are not taken into consideration; money is the most important factor and how much doesn’t get spent on an item depicts the winner. Seriously, my dad makes a game out of spending. He who spends the least wins. Quality suffers.

Needless to say, I could barely move this morning, much like any other morning. Though, I must admit, this morning seemed much worse than usual. Just trying to sit up was a daunting task. I cringed when I tried to straighten my shoulders. If you’ve ever broken your clavicle, you might understand the pain I’m feeling. No, mine isn’t broken. It just feels broken. Some days I almost wish parts of me were broken so that I’d have a valid reason to go to a hospital. I detest having to utter the words “Fibro” and “myalgia” strung together in a sentence. Despite being diagnosed years ago, I still get odd looks, eye rolls, and the occasional scoff.

I guess I’m just frustrated. I know things are rough for me right now. I’m thankful for what I have. Things could be much worse. There are those out there who do have it worse. I just wish I could go to a hospital right now. It’s like something on the inside is telling me there is more wrong with me than I realize and I need to be checked out. I just don’t know how or what to do. I do not like feeling helpless, confused, lost, and slightly angry.