Alright, so today’s Daily Prompt is in relation to jealousy. I’ve been pondering this one for a few hours now. I’m finding it difficult to pinpoint any actual time where I had gone “hulk” because I was envious of what someone had. Through my life I’ve never gone completely without. My parents always made sure I had food to eat, clothes to wear, and a roof over my head. I never was a child (or young adult, even) that had to struggle. Some may think that’s the wrong way to bring a child up. Others may view me as “spoiled” or “privileged”. I just viewed it as life. Nothing more, nothing less. It was never taken for granted,I assure you.
In my life I have had friends from all walks of life. To me, they were friends. To others they were the “poor kid”, the “rich kid”, the “nerd”, the “loser”, or the occasional “spaz”. Honestly, I think others were jealous of my open heart and warmth to others. It seemed to get me treated like garbage the older I got in school, and won me no awards with the self-awarded “cool” kids.
I jut shrugged off the hazing and taunts. I’m like my dad in that respect; I don’t get angry, but rather absorb it and turn the other cheek. People project onto you the anger and humiliation that they get from some other avenue. It’s not their fault that there seems to be an unending line of jealousy tag. In the words of my dad, “Shit rolls downhill. Sometimes you just shovel it, other times you just walk away.” I usually walked away to help someone else in need.
Now, as an adult I do find myself wishing I had money to pay bills. I mean, who doesn’t wish they had more money? But, I don’t look at that as jealousy. If I had more money, medical bills would be paid, other bills would e paid, and I would have health insurance.
Ok, so right here is possibly where I get a little jealous. I miss having health coverage. I miss being able to go to the doctor for my numerous health conditions for help. I am jealous of healthy people who don’t wake up in the morning in the pain I am in. I am jealous of the people who don’t feel the fear I am in when I black out and faint, and when I come back to consciousness I realize I’m in the middle of a grocery store and people are just staring at me, not helping me. I was jealous of the people who got to enjoy their days when I was stuck in a chair for six to eight hours having my blood transfusions. I’m jealous of people who sleep.
Is it really jealousy? Not what some people may define as jealousy, I’m sure. But, I’ve never been a by the book type of girl. I’ve always lived by a different set of rules. Just ask my white blood cells.
Does this hinder my marriage or any relationships I have? No. It is in my nature to hold my feelings inward. I don’t show emotions about myself openly. When it comes to others, I’m an open book. I wear my heart on my sleeve for others. I go to the ends of the earth to make sure others know I care, I love, or what have you. There is never a question to how I feel when it comes to others. It’s just when it comes to me and how I feel about myself that the feelings get muddled. I prefer to take care of others before myself.
Now, I know this may seem silly, but when I first started thinking about this topic I kept thinking of the Jabberwocky. To me, the image of it epitomizes the actual image of jealousy. It always has. The sharp teeth and claws that gnash and tear, much like what happens when a person becomes wrapped up in jealousy. It just fits.
Well, this was my first attempt at a posting prompt. Not sure if I wrote what I wanted in the way that I wanted, if that at all makes any sense. I’m feeling a little ill today, so forgive me if I’m a little cluttered. Thanks for reading, if you did. Hope you enjoyed it if you made it through.