Hello! Not sure what I want to write about, today. Had two weeks of utter hell. I was very sick, unable to function, and I went through a bout of severe illness. If you thought it, I bet it was happening to me. Life sucked.

Unfortunately, I didn’t maintain my medications. I take several for depression. I fell into a bad place. I was not taking care of myself and I began to just loathed everything. I broke down many times to cry.

After that, I was getting better and taking the meds regularly, again. I got sick again, and, well, you can guess what I didn’t do regularly.

Last night, I was angry. Not level-headed angry. I was bitchballs insane angry. 

Victoria, my sweet and loving Scottish Terrier, was being a complete shit head. Barking, being aggressive (she likes to pick fights with my old girl, Clara), and just antagonizing everyone. Me included.

I couldn’t handle it. I snapped and yelled at her. Smacked her on the butt, and told her to get in her kennel. She wouldn’t. She continues to be a cunt, until I caught her. Put her in her kennel and left the house. Driving away from the whole thing.

I sat in my car, in the parking lot of Walgreens and just cried. Pulled myself together, finally, and bought myself a Coke, and cigarettes for my husband.

After that, I went and got myself a crap dinner, with extras for the dogs. Got home, let Victoria out, and gave her a treat.

The time where I was getting dinner, I could feel the rage just building up (didn’t help that some college kids were blatantly obvious making fun of me and my mohawk). I seriously just wanted to walk up to the twats and just beat the living shit out of them. I don’t know why I felt that angry, but I got out of there quick, and went back home.

I don’t like feeling like that. I know it’s my fault. I am volatile when I’m not taking the meds regularly, or off them completely. I know better. But, I just keep fucking up. I need to make a positive change.

I really hate myself sometimes.

Advertisements