The weak are meat, and the strong do eat.

Hello! Not sure what I want to write about, today. Had two weeks of utter hell. I was very sick, unable to function, and I went through a bout of severe illness. If you thought it, I bet it was happening to me. Life sucked.

Unfortunately, I didn’t maintain my medications. I take several for depression. I fell into a bad place. I was not taking care of myself and I began to just loathed everything. I broke down many times to cry.

After that, I was getting better and taking the meds regularly, again. I got sick again, and, well, you can guess what I didn’t do regularly.

Last night, I was angry. Not level-headed angry. I was bitchballs insane angry. 

Victoria, my sweet and loving Scottish Terrier, was being a complete shit head. Barking, being aggressive (she likes to pick fights with my old girl, Clara), and just antagonizing everyone. Me included.

I couldn’t handle it. I snapped and yelled at her. Smacked her on the butt, and told her to get in her kennel. She wouldn’t. She continues to be a cunt, until I caught her. Put her in her kennel and left the house. Driving away from the whole thing.

I sat in my car, in the parking lot of Walgreens and just cried. Pulled myself together, finally, and bought myself a Coke, and cigarettes for my husband.

After that, I went and got myself a crap dinner, with extras for the dogs. Got home, let Victoria out, and gave her a treat.

The time where I was getting dinner, I could feel the rage just building up (didn’t help that some college kids were blatantly obvious making fun of me and my mohawk). I seriously just wanted to walk up to the twats and just beat the living shit out of them. I don’t know why I felt that angry, but I got out of there quick, and went back home.

I don’t like feeling like that. I know it’s my fault. I am volatile when I’m not taking the meds regularly, or off them completely. I know better. But, I just keep fucking up. I need to make a positive change.

I really hate myself sometimes.

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Dear Ryan Reynolds…..

Alright…. I know what [collective] you are thinking. Some bitch is going to be crazy obsessed with another actor. Well, yeah, but it is really more of an infatuation with the character Wade W. Wilson. If you don’t know who that is, I’m sorry for the aggressive beating you are about to receive. Across your face. With a brick. I’m kidding! 

Kinda….

I’ve always been a social outcast. Sarcasm and cynicism used to be the path I strolled. Now I have a more positive view of the cynical world. I try to insert sarcastic wit into everything. I also have the cunning ability to come up with some of the most hilariously awful (and generally exceptionally offensive) one-liners. 

#IamDeadpool  make it happen!

Reading comics has been tremendously amazing and rewarding. I continue to learn more about the characters in the Marvel universe (because the evolution of the characters change), and other comics by other companies. In doing so, I have also learned about myself.

When the announcement that Deadpool was going to be happening, all I could wonder is how was he going to be the character that he was [in the comic], especially when Disney (whom I love) had rights to the Marvel movies. I was very much relieved that another company was taking the reins.

I nearly died when I saw the movie. Even my husband was amused by how much Deadpool / Wade Wilson and I were alike. Actions and quips were practically all identical to the things that I say and do. It was almost too much. We laughed so hard, our stomachs were aching. 

I wish I could be in a Deadpool movie. I wouldn’t have to do or say much of anything. I just want to be there; in the middle of it all! I would love to showcase my silliness and fucking awesome mohawk. 

Can we say mutant / villain, anyone?!

However, reality is I don’t know anyone who could get me a chance to audition. I have no training in the ways of acting. As hilarious and awesome I feel that I am, the truth is that I am not. I’m just a defeated sack of crazy. 

What’s a girl to do? Aside from dreaming about how awesome it would be to be in a movie, I sit back and enjoy some quality time with my dogs. 

Oh… One more thing. Enjoy my hair!

Why?

So, I want to start this off with a very warm and love-filled Happy Mother’s Day to all the women out there. I hope everyone had a fantastic day.

Now, on to the fun.

I just got home from a little shopping trip. I needed a phone cord so I can use my home phone, since cell coverage isn’t the best where I currently am living. I headed to Wal-Mart. That was my mistake. However, I just needed a couple things, and I figured it would be the quickest option.

I’m not used to this store, so it took me a little bit to find what I needed. Not a problem.

As I made my way to the electronics, this 40-something gentleman decided to be cute and make rude comments about how I looked, focusing on my purple mohawk. He was no prize pig.

“Ew….what’s with dykes and thinking that being fat and pathetic means that shaving their heads will hide their true ugliness? I mean, purple? Could she be any more gay?”

Now, I’m used to people making shitty comments about how I look. But this guy was older than me, and I suppose I expect better from my elders.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face this fuck. His wife (or girlfriend) was giggling until she realized that I heard them. 

“Seriously dude? You’re going to be a cock-thistle, to show off? To her? Really? You realize that you have zero room to be judging anyone. So, why don’t you return back to the snatch you crawled out of, you fucking soulless ginger cunt. And not that I have to explain my life choices to some fucked up asshole, but I am not a lesbian.”

His face turned bright red, as his lady about choked when I called him a cunt. She looked at me with fear, and he looked like he was going to cry. Or vomit. Not sure which.

I turned away from them. I heard him try to apologize, but it wasn’t because he was sorry for what he said. He was sorry he got caught. 

I don’t think I am going to win any beauty pageants. I’m not that delusional. But for fucks sake! Is my hair and appearance going to start a war? No. What is wrong with people? What is wrong with this guy?

That kind of bullshit is why I don’t like going out. People are vile and bring out the worst in others when they are like that.

Breathe deep.

So, the move is pretty much all done. My husband and I are enjoying the new house. Never thought we would have two. My parents and brother are staying in the old house, while Frank and5are in the new house. We are approximately 30 minutes from each house.

I have a lot of unpacking and cleaning up. I swear it’s never-ending. It tends to be difficult for me to do that. Partially because of my health, and partially because my husband works overnight and sleeps during the day/evening. I try to get as much done as I can before he gets home from work. By then, I’m exhausted and want to sleep for days.

I really like this house, though. It’s a little small, but it is really cute! My mom pointed out that it’s actually bigger than the house we had in Joliet. Kind of puts things into perspective. I think I find it overwhelming because of all the boxes and clutter.

Well, that’s about it. Not much has been going on. I’m going to be hanging out with my bestie, Julia. Very excited to see her and have lunch.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Spread those lips and show the world your smile!

New everything!

Well, I’m officially done moving. My husband and I are in the new house, my parents and brother are staying in the old house. Owning two houses, filled with love and family. I couldn’t be happier.

We only have one problem, and it’s the cellular signal strength. It’s pretty much shit. I don’t get 4G and full bars. I’m lucky to have 3G and two bars! I occasionally end up in 1x land. Not sure what to do about it right now, but I have other priorities for me to worry about.

So, yesterday (18th) was just a shitty day. In order to best explain today, I have to jump back in time a little bit. About the middle of January, my uncle found an entire horse skeleton while he was walking around the local land around my house in Buckeye. He ended up with the entire skull. I got two legs with the hooves and an additional hoof. I kept it all hidden from the dogs, so that when we moved, they would have something to occupy the time while I was unpacking and cleaning.

But, things that sound simple aren’t always what they appear. Victoria attacked Clara. My poor baby girl was screaming, but Victoria wouldn’t let go. That is when I interjected. 

I don’t know exactly all that took place, but I ended up with battle wounds. I took a flying leap to the ground and felt a bite on my right bicep. Ignoring the attacker (Daisy), I grabbed the horse leg and began to try to get Victoria to grab it, releasing Clara. Instead, I had to use it as a weapon against the overwhelming majority of gnashing teeth. 

Daisy bit my right forearm, sinking in a fang deep, which gashed with every shake of her tiny Scottie body. I think she was trying to defend Clara, but I don’t know for certain. It’s not like I speak dog, and as much as she tries, Daisy has not yet mastered the English language. 

My left hand got bit, and I don’t know what dog did that. I just knew that it felt like my index and middle fingers were broken. I scooped Victoria up, threw her in the living room, and then went to my Clara. No blood. Which was puzzling, because I was covered in blood. Wet, hot blood.

I go back to Victoria and don’t see blood. About then I began to feel the pain. I ran to the kitchen sink and started to wash the blood off my arm and hands. Saw the wounds, made a makeshift bandage with a pantyliner and duct tape. Collapsed onto the tile floor in the kitchen and started crying. 

I never cry. I’m sure you are sick of people who claim this, but I assure you that I’m a giant emotionless (cock blocking) robot. 

My fingers were all fucked up. I couldn’t move them. Crawled to the freezer and started an ice pack on my right forearm, and left hand. 

Frank walks in the door to find my sobbing self. Offers to get me medical care, but I refuse. Then my parents and brother stop by with dinner for us. Spent some time with them. 

They left. Frank went to bed, and I sat down, contemplating my brilliant life choices. That was about the same time I examined my fingers. I had to bury my face into a pillow and bite down. They were not broken, but dislocated. The snap of them going back to the proper place almost made me vomit.

My body was a horrible wreck, and I decided to just not move unless I absolutely had to. 

Clara wasn’t really active most of the night. She was limping, favoring the left front leg. Thankfully I had a (vet prescription) anti-inflammatory medication for her (arthritis). Once the dose got into her system, she was her happy Westie self. I was relieved. She’s doing better than yesterday. I was in contact with the vet, just in case I needed to get her in. But, she was doubtful that Clara would need to be seen, based on the information that I provided. 

So…learn from my mistakes. I don’t think I would have handled it any differently. I would still protect Clara, over myself, a million times over.

Naptime, please!

Things weren’t going my way straight out the gates. Thankfully I had my alarm set for 6:45 AM, because Daddy forgot about having to drive me to my facet injections I was scheduled for. I raced to get dressed, put the dogs out, and so on. 

However, when I went to make coffee, the water reservoir was empty (thanks to the husband), and my pink camo travel mug was missing (because my cousin’s wife accidentally took it home with her lol). I’m already trying to not go Hulk, but let’s face it. I went Hulk. 

So, left without any coffee. My coping skills weren’t there. And I don’t have patience for ANYONE or ANYTHING because I have been in a great deal of pain and suffering from my back going out. No joke, for about 4 days I was the biggest piece of shit in existence. Bet that sounds like an award-winning statement.

However, I’m doing better. The morphine injection before the facet injections helped a lot. My injections didn’t hurt as bad, and I felt some relief. I’m a little more nicer than the way I started my morning. 

We hurried home because I am moving into our new house in Surprise. So, I’m loading up clothes, fabric, chairs, tables, and such. The house in Buckeye will have my parents and brother. Some of the smaller things can be left behind, to get picked up whenever I need.

I’m just exhausted from the packing last night, not sleeping, and the early morning back injections. I could fall asleep right now, but then tonight would be no sleep, all over again. 

And I am starving. In three days, I have eaten one baked potato. I’m ready to eat dogs, or neighborhood children, if I don’t get fed soon. Grrr….

Work is never done. Time to get more done. 

Stuck in the middle with you!

The last several weeks have been, what I would consider, a really long clusterfucking in the ass.

I have come to realize that some friends that I have known for years, don’t really give a shit about me, believe I’m some gullible mother fucker, and that I don’t have the intelligence that surpasses their own.

Then, there’s the people who I know strictly from the internet, through common interests, who actually give a shit about me, respect my quirks, opinions, and intelligence. People who have never met me, love me, and treat me like a human being. 

It’s time to start cleaning up my life, starting with the removal of the people who have taken advantage of my kindness and generosity. Some of which I’ll never see again anyway.

A “friend” of mine, who actually has been in my life since I was about 12 years old, has been feeding me a plethora of lies and bullshit. I wouldn’t have minded it so much, but she put my life right in the middle of her lies, and insulted my intelligence. I know she’s lying through her teeth. I’m just going to walk away quietly and hope she doesn’t even realize I’m gone. I’m sick of the crap and I refuse to be involved any further.

I do have two really sweethearts of friends who I have met here in Arizona. One of the ladies I met through sugar gliders. She bought from me, I taught her things and watched her grow in the community. I became best of friends with her, and can’t imagine what life would be like if I ever lost her. Julia is an amazing woman, and we always have a blast when we are together. We talk on the phone almost every day, not including the texts and Snapchat we exchange all day.

Dee is a newer friend. She is into hockey, like me! Our husbands play inline hockey together, so that was how I got to know her. Her husband is really sweet, and they have a beautiful little daughter. 

I’m hoping that I can coordinate a lunch/dinner at my house so that they can meet. Lasagna, bad movies, and food comas. It will be a good time. 

As far as the friends I’ve made through the internet, they all have a special place in my heart. They have been supportive, kind, loving, and all-around some awesome people. They each have their own unique quirks and really make my life much more positive.

That is the name of the game, now. No more negative influences. No more allowing myself to be walked on, lied to, treated like shit, or made to feel like I am not worth anything. I’m better than the crap I have endured. No retaliation. Stay above it all.

Fat and flattered!

I’m married. Have been for 7 years, this coming April 20th. I love my husband very much. With all my ups and downs concerning my health; the treatments, the pain, and everything else, he has stood by me every step of the way.

A few days ago, a really sweet, funny guy (who I raced to get in line at my pharmacy) started up a conversation with me. First it was him leaning forward to whisper, “You cut in front of me!” I couldn’t help but crack up. So, we started talking. He was just recently in the hospital for a seizure. He knows it’s because of his unhealthy lifestyle. 

I shared about my seizure experience and talked about how the pharmacy hasn’t had our prescriptions ready on time. He had waited 4 days after being released from the hospital! That’s shitty! I felt awful for him. This is a life that needs to be taken care of, immediately; not made to wait four days.

Conversation then went to my hair. He said how he loved the color and never saw a beautiful woman with a mohawk, until now. I got all nervous/shy, laughed a little, and thanked him for the compliment.

His kindness made my day. 

My husband tells me every day how beautiful I am. It makes me feel so good about myself. To hear it from a stranger somehow helps verify what my husband (and yes, my family) tells me.

 I never used to love myself. I didn’t think I was beautiful. It has taken years of hard work, treating myself better, and reaffirming to myself every day when I look in the mirror that I am unique, beautiful, and loved. 

When I was younger, I was made fun of, called horrible things, and treated like I was worthless. I began to believe them. 

No matter how negative people can be, really reach down inside yourself and find the love of yourself. You are unique. You are beautiful. You are loved.

I hope anyone who reads this is helped in some way. 

Blessed be. 

Oh, what a tangled web we weave.

I have to admit right off the bat that I’m extremely pissed off and hurt. I never thought someone I loved so much, who said she loved me just as much, and called me her soulmate, would ever stoop as low as I have found out.

I don’t understand her thinking. I don’t understand her, and her mother, making up hurtful lies. Maybe I’m not meant to understand this behaviour. It happened in the past, and I can’t change what was said about me. I’m just shocked that a woman in her 30’s (and her mother whose approximately late 60’s) would behave like they have. 

I’m trying my hardest to find forgiveness in my heart. I don’t want to carry anger and negativity. It is not healthy. I’m already going through so much in my life with my upcoming move. I can’t afford to let negativity win, crippling my mental and emotional state of mind. 

Even though I am still extremely angry, I am going to focus on better things; because this (anger about the lies) too shall pass. 

I walked 5.1 miles today. I went out, fever and sick as hell, to collect Geocaching locations and loot. After that, my brother asked me if I could take him out so he could play Pokémon Go. So, we walked around for a couple hours.

No lie, I think my legs are going to go on strike and refuse to do more exercise. I don’t mind! 

Seriously though, I’m very proud of myself for all the walking I accomplished. It feels good to exceed (my own) expectations. Yay for not giving up!

And since it was a general “good” day, I managed to ignore my previously mentioned emotions.

That is all for tonight. I’m very tired and have a feeling that I’m going to fall asleep in the next 30 +/- minutes. Goodnight. Hopefully you all have a fantastic tomorrow. 

Peace. Remember, it’s blissful.

The things I learn…

Several entries ago, I touched on a topic that hurt my heart. It was a friend who dropped me for no reason and no explanation.

I found out that she has left her second husband, and though not divorced yet, she’s already engaged to someone else. I’m utterly lost for words. I don’t know what chain of events lead to this path, or much else.

I hope she finds peace and happiness. I’ll love her, still, but at a distance. I’m going to pray for everyone involved. 

No grudges. No hurt. No anger. Just love. Because in the end, love conquers all.