A little bit of this, and a little bit of that.

I’m feeling a little better than I was the other day. Despite the seizure, and being scared to death, I am ok.

Feeling a little bit down, but it will pass.

I’ve been getting out of the house more. It’s actually been very positive for me. 

My mom takes me to a Bunco night. I’ve met some wonderful ladies and really enjoy the game. I love making people laugh, and even if I look like an asshat, I’m glad that I can be a positive experience.

I’ve also been going out with both my parents to trivia nights. Once or twice a week, we go to a bar/restaurant and participate in the trivia.

It’s a fucking blast!

Tonight, the three of us competed against 10 +/- teams. There was a lot of people there! We won 2nd place! We beat a team of about 13 people. 

Just us three. How fucking cool is that?

I’ve made a new friend. Actually, a few new ones. My brother plays an online RPG, and made loads of friends. He has introduced me to them, and I just kinda did my best to be part of the human experience.

I absolutely adore one of them. He looks out for my brother, and that means the world to me. So many people have taken advantage of him, stole from him, and hurt him in so many different ways. It really helps to know that I am not the only one who cares.

This dude though. He is fucking hilarious. Great person and someone whom I am glad to call a friend. Hopefully, he isn’t scared of my crazy ass, and calls me a friend, too.

I’m tired. I need sleep. So, I bid you adieu.

Something went wrong…

Yesterday, at 4:50 PM, I had a seizure. 

I was scared to death as my body tensed up, and began to violently jerk. I felt like I was being electrocuted from head to toe. I was gasping for air with every jolt that shot through me. 

What was only a few seconds, felt like an eternity. I only remember bits of the episode, but it was enough to know that something wasn’t right. My husband was quick to assist me, ensuring that I didn’t get hurt. He was calm. He’s seen it before.

Once the jerking and the feeling of electricity shocks subsided, I ran out of the room, into the closest bathroom, and cried. I was scared. I don’t know what caused it to happen. 

I’m writing this so I have it documented, in case I ever needed it for medical records. Nothing more. 

I wish we could turn back time….

I don’t really know where to start. I have been a total wreck. From pain to sleepless nights, I have suffered silently. This is my only dumping ground for my feelings. I find it hard for me to just tell my family and friends how I really feel.

I’m going through another series of injections into my spine. Last week started the testing phase of my left side. Next week, test the right. Then, within a few weeks, the actual injections begin. Nothing is more fun than getting test needles jammed into you, and your relief lasts only an hour. 

Best fucking hour I’ve had without pain in the left side of my back!

Last night I went with my husband to his hockey game. By the time he was done, I was in the full swing of a fibro flare up. It hurts to walk, sit, lay down, and so much more. I feel like I am a total adulting failure. I feel worse because my husband has to pick up where I can’t finish. I am useless.

I’m being put on a new medication for my depression. If they would just give me Valium, we wouldn’t have to go through a million different things that don’t work. Fuck, give me Xanax. That shit works. No. Let’s just put me through hell.

I’m just tired of the hoops that I have to jump through. Everything happens at such a slow fucking pace. I’ve been trying to find a neurologist, but I swear, a good one is rarer than the fucking Unicorns. One asshole thought it was a good idea to ram a fucking needle into the back of my head, and put lidocaine in there. My migraines got worse. He was a dumb mother fucker.

So, I have trouble with trusting most neurologists because they all tend to be dumb fucks who don’t know how to help stop a 10 year streak of daily migraines. I would prefer they just admit that they don’t know what to do instead of turning me into some kind of experiment.

Sorry. I’m just frustrated. There’s times when I just want to give up. I’m exhausted.

I’m a work in progress…

I’m trying. Trying hard to not fall apart. Trying hard to not fall. Just….trying.

I’m emotionally drained. Nothing of significance caused the way I feel. It’s just a conglomeration of life’s “fuck you’s” that are currently a roadblock.

I feel like a total loser. 

I am also trying to help others feel better. If I can impact just one life, I will feel better. I love to make others laugh, feel beautiful, and more positive.

I wish I could do all of that for myself. 

I’m on day #2 with an ever growing fibromyalgia flare-up. Clothing feels like they were made of sharp knives. My head and brain feel like they are spinning; which, in turn, amplifies the daily migraines. Ten years. Ten fucking long years of daily, painful, chronic migraines. All the tests and images didn’t do anything to help me. 

What’s wrong with me?

It’s been super hot here. Last week, temperatures were up to 120°. It is about 110° today. It isn’t totally awful, but I don’t like it because I sweat like a mother fucker. It is gross and embarrassing.

Saturday afternoon, my husband and I, went out to brunch with my (ex) friend’s husband. Matt is such a sweetheart. We all talked about everything under the sun. 

Before he arrived, we talked about his separation. I addressed my behaviour towards him and apologized as much as possible. 

My husband and I really enjoyed hanging out with Matt. I still wish Amanda would have been there. I miss her. She’s my beautiful pageant queen. Always and forever, even if we never speak again.

Summer heat is upon us.

As expected, and gave me anxiety, the heat here (Arizona) has been steadily rising. We have been sitting around 109°, with forecast predictions for the heat to be in the 120° range.

I don’t do bad in the heat, but I sweat like a mother fucker. I’m glad I have my mohawk, because I have really thick hair. I don’t want to bathe in my sweat.

Over the last few weeks, I have been planning a little bit of a gathering. My (ex-)best friend’s husband is going to be here, starting tomorrow. Poor guy is going to be dying. I really hope he doesn’t get sick. 

It would have been nice to have his wife come with, but she left him, and ditched any kind of interaction with my husband and me. Breaks my heart. I would have given everything up just to hug her. To spend quality, fun times with her. But, none of that is going to ever come to fruition. 

I’m probably being very bi-polar about my emotions about her. It’s not easy being discarded with no explanation. 

So, Matt will be meeting with us, and enjoying a lunch break. I was awful to him, several years ago. I was lead to believe that he was an abusive asshole. I was also accused, by his mother-in-law (who has known me for almost 20 years), that I was trying to seduce him. I don’t think I have ever been so shocked, insulted, and pissed off in my life. Please excuse this following outburst: SHE’S A FUCKING PSYCHO LYING CUNT. That was the last straw. She drove a wedge between us. She has no idea how much I despise her and wish she would just disappear. She has ruined my closest friendship. She cast doubt, trying to destroy my image. Even worse, I have no idea why she did it.

To put it simply, I was blindsided. I felt my heart tear in half. The pain was too much. I never cry, but this caused me to emotionally break down; I cried for days. 

I need to stop thinking about it. I don’t want to be all fucked up when Matt arrives. I hope that he has a good time with my husband and me. We are looking forward to seeing him.

I don’t really have much more to write. I’m just going to end this post, here. See you on the flip side!

The weak are meat, and the strong do eat.

Hello! Not sure what I want to write about, today. Had two weeks of utter hell. I was very sick, unable to function, and I went through a bout of severe illness. If you thought it, I bet it was happening to me. Life sucked.

Unfortunately, I didn’t maintain my medications. I take several for depression. I fell into a bad place. I was not taking care of myself and I began to just loathed everything. I broke down many times to cry.

After that, I was getting better and taking the meds regularly, again. I got sick again, and, well, you can guess what I didn’t do regularly.

Last night, I was angry. Not level-headed angry. I was bitchballs insane angry. 

Victoria, my sweet and loving Scottish Terrier, was being a complete shit head. Barking, being aggressive (she likes to pick fights with my old girl, Clara), and just antagonizing everyone. Me included.

I couldn’t handle it. I snapped and yelled at her. Smacked her on the butt, and told her to get in her kennel. She wouldn’t. She continues to be a cunt, until I caught her. Put her in her kennel and left the house. Driving away from the whole thing.

I sat in my car, in the parking lot of Walgreens and just cried. Pulled myself together, finally, and bought myself a Coke, and cigarettes for my husband.

After that, I went and got myself a crap dinner, with extras for the dogs. Got home, let Victoria out, and gave her a treat.

The time where I was getting dinner, I could feel the rage just building up (didn’t help that some college kids were blatantly obvious making fun of me and my mohawk). I seriously just wanted to walk up to the twats and just beat the living shit out of them. I don’t know why I felt that angry, but I got out of there quick, and went back home.

I don’t like feeling like that. I know it’s my fault. I am volatile when I’m not taking the meds regularly, or off them completely. I know better. But, I just keep fucking up. I need to make a positive change.

I really hate myself sometimes.

Dear Ryan Reynolds…..

Alright…. I know what [collective] you are thinking. Some bitch is going to be crazy obsessed with another actor. Well, yeah, but it is really more of an infatuation with the character Wade W. Wilson. If you don’t know who that is, I’m sorry for the aggressive beating you are about to receive. Across your face. With a brick. I’m kidding! 

Kinda….

I’ve always been a social outcast. Sarcasm and cynicism used to be the path I strolled. Now I have a more positive view of the cynical world. I try to insert sarcastic wit into everything. I also have the cunning ability to come up with some of the most hilariously awful (and generally exceptionally offensive) one-liners. 

#IamDeadpool  make it happen!

Reading comics has been tremendously amazing and rewarding. I continue to learn more about the characters in the Marvel universe (because the evolution of the characters change), and other comics by other companies. In doing so, I have also learned about myself.

When the announcement that Deadpool was going to be happening, all I could wonder is how was he going to be the character that he was [in the comic], especially when Disney (whom I love) had rights to the Marvel movies. I was very much relieved that another company was taking the reins.

I nearly died when I saw the movie. Even my husband was amused by how much Deadpool / Wade Wilson and I were alike. Actions and quips were practically all identical to the things that I say and do. It was almost too much. We laughed so hard, our stomachs were aching. 

I wish I could be in a Deadpool movie. I wouldn’t have to do or say much of anything. I just want to be there; in the middle of it all! I would love to showcase my silliness and fucking awesome mohawk. 

Can we say mutant / villain, anyone?!

However, reality is I don’t know anyone who could get me a chance to audition. I have no training in the ways of acting. As hilarious and awesome I feel that I am, the truth is that I am not. I’m just a defeated sack of crazy. 

What’s a girl to do? Aside from dreaming about how awesome it would be to be in a movie, I sit back and enjoy some quality time with my dogs. 

Oh… One more thing. Enjoy my hair!

Why?

So, I want to start this off with a very warm and love-filled Happy Mother’s Day to all the women out there. I hope everyone had a fantastic day.

Now, on to the fun.

I just got home from a little shopping trip. I needed a phone cord so I can use my home phone, since cell coverage isn’t the best where I currently am living. I headed to Wal-Mart. That was my mistake. However, I just needed a couple things, and I figured it would be the quickest option.

I’m not used to this store, so it took me a little bit to find what I needed. Not a problem.

As I made my way to the electronics, this 40-something gentleman decided to be cute and make rude comments about how I looked, focusing on my purple mohawk. He was no prize pig.

“Ew….what’s with dykes and thinking that being fat and pathetic means that shaving their heads will hide their true ugliness? I mean, purple? Could she be any more gay?”

Now, I’m used to people making shitty comments about how I look. But this guy was older than me, and I suppose I expect better from my elders.

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned around to face this fuck. His wife (or girlfriend) was giggling until she realized that I heard them. 

“Seriously dude? You’re going to be a cock-thistle, to show off? To her? Really? You realize that you have zero room to be judging anyone. So, why don’t you return back to the snatch you crawled out of, you fucking soulless ginger cunt. And not that I have to explain my life choices to some fucked up asshole, but I am not a lesbian.”

His face turned bright red, as his lady about choked when I called him a cunt. She looked at me with fear, and he looked like he was going to cry. Or vomit. Not sure which.

I turned away from them. I heard him try to apologize, but it wasn’t because he was sorry for what he said. He was sorry he got caught. 

I don’t think I am going to win any beauty pageants. I’m not that delusional. But for fucks sake! Is my hair and appearance going to start a war? No. What is wrong with people? What is wrong with this guy?

That kind of bullshit is why I don’t like going out. People are vile and bring out the worst in others when they are like that.

Breathe deep.

So, the move is pretty much all done. My husband and I are enjoying the new house. Never thought we would have two. My parents and brother are staying in the old house, while Frank and5are in the new house. We are approximately 30 minutes from each house.

I have a lot of unpacking and cleaning up. I swear it’s never-ending. It tends to be difficult for me to do that. Partially because of my health, and partially because my husband works overnight and sleeps during the day/evening. I try to get as much done as I can before he gets home from work. By then, I’m exhausted and want to sleep for days.

I really like this house, though. It’s a little small, but it is really cute! My mom pointed out that it’s actually bigger than the house we had in Joliet. Kind of puts things into perspective. I think I find it overwhelming because of all the boxes and clutter.

Well, that’s about it. Not much has been going on. I’m going to be hanging out with my bestie, Julia. Very excited to see her and have lunch.

I hope everyone has a wonderful day! Spread those lips and show the world your smile!